Every year, upon hugging a strange bunch of happy people I am pushed into an abyss of serially unexpected thoughts. For most of us, 1st of January means a lot of ‘new’ beginnings. The ‘new’ in the new year is overtly emphasised. Why shouldn’t it be – it’s fed to us and reiterate by every form of communication to make it sanctimoniously new. And then there are the lies of finding meanings and resolutions, the optimistic psychobabble.

I’m sounding pessimistic already, I am sure. A lot of people have judged not to go further than the third line, and some who reach here think why is she now addressing us?! It is because, I genuinely think you must reconsider ‘new’ year reminiscing. What I mean is, are we allowed to think of the shit that hit the fan in 2014 or not? It did wreak havoc in my life, several times over. I confess – I’m not nostalgic, I am currently verging on ‘dafuq’ did they say about ‘new’ year in 2013.

‘It’ll be great’ – they said.
‘it’ll be life-changing’ – they said.

Well, it was a lot of things and it did change my life quite a bit but I think instead of making fake fitness resolutions, social media proclamations that get stuffed below your tweets from the earliest show of weekend cinema, it is definitely high time we rethink a few domesticated notions. For starters, let’s think of how stupid we were the previous year, and try not to go there again. If a year is to pass us, and make us feel older it should to some extend make us wiser too. Don’t you think?

I’m growing older and stupid because of the people flashing ‘forget about the past’ on Facebook. Worse, they make fancy quotational creatives – a blurry sepia christmasy landscape and some calligraphic words slamming unrealistic quotes. I think, I’d like to take a step back and feel like shit; especially and more so about how I wasted 2014 and how many times over did I am an ox ploughing the freaking land.
The year 2014 was quite a storm – it did disrupt me as an individual; I came to distrust many I trusted, I felt ashamed of my actions, I doubted my choices, looked in the mirror to see a complete loser on some occasions, lost a bit of my know-it-all smirk, dumbed down for people, nursed some pride, killed a bit of my ego and then rose to love myself for thinking the way I do. I have come to respect myself, a little more for rising beyond bullshit – identifying where it originates and kicking it to the curb. My self respect climbed a few more floors; pride went through a giant growth spurt. I also succumbed to my weaknesses, admitted how foolish I’d be to step into newer realms and presume to know it instinctually. I also didn’t deny my instincts any fear, feeling or thought. I continued to muster the courage to be vulnerable every step of the way because now when I’m writing this down, detaching myself slowly from the pain – I have indeed, become as strong as I’d set out to be.

So goodbye, 2014. I fucked up and you fucked up!
Hello 2015, I think I am going to take it as it comes, and moreover look for some new mistakes to make.

— Just Panda Thoughts

Always late to the party.


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