Have you ever felt physically a pain so strong that your chest seems tight, the muscles inside knotted and a powerful gnawing against your lungs?

They told me it’s anxiety but I always felt that I feel too much.

I’ve suffered from the fragility of mind and soul but I grew up to be outspoken. I hated looking at those curled up lips and watery eyes, when I looked at myself in the mirror. In response to words of terrible meanings, I would cry. I would be so angry, that I want to cry. I couldn’t understand why my mind didn’t communicate anger onto my nerves, that a punch would involuntary go flying right into someone’s face. That wasn’t me.

I felt deeply. A flaw of nature and character so strong, that it brought me to my knees often. It is the bane of my existence. I felt too deeply. I was always affected, by everyone. By things around me. I was affected by people’s laughter, touched by their sorrows, soothed by their victories and disconcerted by their pain. I was always too deeply connected.

What is wrong in these two scenarios?

There’s a lion. You expect the lion to attack you. You’re in his territory, you’re flirting with the angel of death. And he comes and licks you. That is what is wrong.
There is a cat. She despises the dog because he gets all the attention and of course more food. She steals his food every night once he’s asleep. You expect the cat to not feel ashamed. She does. That is what is wrong.
There is a thief who steals because he’s the man of the house with no income. He steals because he has to. He’s got you under the knife, you expect him to slice you. He doesn’t. That’s what is wrong.

I think to feel deeply is wrong. I should walk away, feeling guiltless like it didn’t matter to me.
I should be able to look at people’s suffering and feel better about myself. I should be able to sleep, after hurting someone. That is what is wrong.

I felt too deeply. There was an ache on the right side of my lung that felt real. That is what is wrong.

– Just Panda Thoughts


3 thoughts on “That ache.

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