Sometimes in quiet whispers to yourself, in midst of chaos and smudged desire you are left feeling warm. Not warm, of the kind when the sun shines. The warmth of how solitary and quiet your mind feels. There’s a rush in being surrounded by a cacophony of voices; like when you hear their stories, see their searching eyes hoping to connect and make sense of what you say. The anticipation of crossing that bridge of judgement and being accepted. The silent ‘yeah dude’ or an itsy bitsy smirk. We all wish for words that resonate a sense of knowing and familiarity, yet the search for something new and different leads us onto a confusing roller-coaster ride of emotive instability.

Here I was thinking of the little sigh of yours, when you heard none of mine.

Such is life; you hear people and pick a few, and out of those few you pick one or two. There’s someone always you need, at an arms reach to bounce a few stupid ideas, or to bum the last few drags of a dying cold cigarette, someone to nod when you complacently rant. It doesn’t have to be one person for everyone. It’s not an idea of the platonic souls coming together. Complexity here lies, not in the lack of ‘one’ but in the abundance – and then comes the railroads that never meet.

I’m often pestered by the look on the face of those squirrels so smug – in pairs, comfortable. They’ve found someone to bounce their stupid ideas of and they look highly amused at the look in my eyes. It’s the way jealousy betrays you to the innocent observer. It conveys to them the emptiness of your soul – hoping to latch on at the first grasp, at the first touch.

The whimper of my wishes turned down, is also someone’s wish fulfilled. There is an order to all things human. I often defying that order seem hapless and close to befriending solitude. It’s a shell to retreat into or out of. It is warm and familiar. It can replace the knowing look of your eyes I couldn’t hold long enough. That’s the ruse I’d pick for today.

– Just Panda Thoughts

I f

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